[I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day] E.B White
I've been having these weird thoughts about life and relationships, it's getting to a point where I question myself if I have lived a proper life to this day. I've even changed my priorities and hobbies drastically. I want to try new things. I want to feel free like the wind that roams the earth. I simply want to feel alive. And what a better way to start on this new journey of life than being single, no strings attached. But I also feel that my time is running out, and I am getting older, no kids, no wife, no place to call my own, I am simply a nomad. But aren't we all? Haven't we been placed as temporary pawns users of Earth's resources? Come what may, I shall live life to the fullest. That is what my heart desires. To enjoy all kinds of music and dance to its beat, even if I have two left feet. To express myself through the art of cooking, luring my senses with the mystical scent of homemade goodies. To grow old knowing that time is on my side, that I've learned to allocate wisely and to make Dad proud. I just want to make Dad proud. And Mom too. Alas, my whole family. My core, my undying foundation.
I don't know what path has the Maker drawn for me, whether it ends on a refreshing river where a waterfall maintains a never ending flow, or an arid desert, where loneliness is king of the hill. I cannot foretell what I will end up like, I can only control the letters that are being typed by my able hands at this very moment, the intensity of the candlelight to my right, and the volume of that gentle song that calms my spirit.
I don't ask for much, even though I have had much. I only ask for love and approval. I only ask for a hand when my knees are about to drop to the floor, I just need your text every once in a while. I need to feel loved, I need your respect. Besides, what else is there that can make people soar through the skies and do crazy things but love? I may not make sense now, but that's the point of this. In the end, it will all make sense, and my candid grin will tell the story of that young buck wo once sat on his computer desk, and vented out to the world, that he simply wanted to be loved. I may not have the right words to describe what I feel, for this is not my native tongue, but going back to it, I don't need words. I just need to be loved. Perhaps this is a test. To be here by myself, to reflect, to strategize, to ponder, to learn, to teach, to grow, to ask what I really want, what my next step is going to be, and what new challenge am I going to entrust myself with. I have to accept that I have lost that roadmap that was given to me by my parents when I was born. I need to find that roadmap. I need to find myself again. I thought I knew many things, but that's because I never needed to take a peek at it. Now that I desperately need it, I remember what my dad used to say: "you will grow to understand things that are not tangible to you now, but they will become a reality in a near future, and will help you pave the path that has been chosen for you. Never lose the map that your mom and I have devised for you. Never lose who you are, your calling".
I really need to find myself...
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