In the past twenty three years, I have met a lot of great people that have helped me grow in many ways. I've also met a lot of assholes. People who make you feel miserable, lonely and full of doubt. I mean, I can understand that people are busy and that sometimes it is hard to get together and hang out, but there are people who simply ignore you and don't care about you enough to even text you to see how you're doing. The issue that I'm having with myself is the fact that I find people like that rather intriguing. i don't know if it is because I'm not like that, or because they play hard to get, but whatever the case may be it irRitates me. It makes me wonder if I really want to live this way. I dont think this is a good vice, since it always makes me feel glum and out of control. i promise I will make the necessary changes to eliminate the assholes from my life. So 'friends' who call me to let me know that the got laid or that they partied til 6 am or that they banged three girls in one night can go to hell. It really pisses me off because I deserve better than this. I have enough good friends to be happy and do not need to have bad company around. I will work this through and in the end will come back VICTORIOUS... I just need to find something that I am good at and focus on perfecting that. It wil boost my Confidence to a new level and will eventually break the curse of being the sidekick of assholes..
My plans for the weekend rarely come to life, but this time something unexpected happened. My family was visiting Disney World for the nth time and everything was "peaches and cream" until the last day. My sister was feeling sick, and all of a sudden she developed a viral infection and we later learned that she also had pneumonia. So for all of you whose eyes got quirky when they read the word "pneumonia" its a very common and dangerous disease where the lungs get filled with mucus and water. The result is shorter breath capacity and due to the inefficient oxygen transport, the person can become weak. On top of that, a viral infection compromises the immune system to work and to spend energy trying to fight the virus, And on top of everything else, my sis is 6 years old. So yeah, you get the picture. I was really worried and all I could think of was my sister. I had a feeling in my gut that I was going to lose her. To make this story short, she got hospitalized for 6 days, and I was getting more stressed as the days went by. So I made a radical move: I packed my bags, notified my boss about the situation and headed to Orlando to lend them a hand. While I was there, she began to recuperate - she started to breathe again without the help of a ventilator and was eating more and cooperating with the nurses. All in all, we had a great time as a family. I didnt know how much I needed to be with them. God works in mysterious ways. If it werent for my sister's disease, I wouldnt have flown to Orlando, spent time with my family and rekindled old friendships with people that moved from PR to Orlando and lost contact with.
Im back in Houston, I love my life, and I consider this place "home". It's too weird to think that THIS IS MY HOME. I guess HOME is wherever I am. I still miss my family, and Im glad that my sister is ok, and I wouldnt change these experiences for the world. I wouldnt change my life, as complex as it is, and as lonely as it can be sometimes, I enjoy spending time with me, myself and I.
[I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day] E.B White
I've been having these weird thoughts about life and relationships, it's getting to a point where I question myself if I have lived a proper life to this day. I've even changed my priorities and hobbies drastically. I want to try new things. I want to feel free like the wind that roams the earth. I simply want to feel alive. And what a better way to start on this new journey of life than being single, no strings attached. But I also feel that my time is running out, and I am getting older, no kids, no wife, no place to call my own, I am simply a nomad. But aren't we all? Haven't we been placed as temporary pawns users of Earth's resources? Come what may, I shall live life to the fullest. That is what my heart desires. To enjoy all kinds of music and dance to its beat, even if I have two left feet. To express myself through the art of cooking, luring my senses with the mystical scent of homemade goodies. To grow old knowing that time is on my side, that I've learned to allocate wisely and to make Dad proud. I just want to make Dad proud. And Mom too. Alas, my whole family. My core, my undying foundation.
I don't know what path has the Maker drawn for me, whether it ends on a refreshing river where a waterfall maintains a never ending flow, or an arid desert, where loneliness is king of the hill. I cannot foretell what I will end up like, I can only control the letters that are being typed by my able hands at this very moment, the intensity of the candlelight to my right, and the volume of that gentle song that calms my spirit.
I don't ask for much, even though I have had much. I only ask for love and approval. I only ask for a hand when my knees are about to drop to the floor, I just need your text every once in a while. I need to feel loved, I need your respect. Besides, what else is there that can make people soar through the skies and do crazy things but love? I may not make sense now, but that's the point of this. In the end, it will all make sense, and my candid grin will tell the story of that young buck wo once sat on his computer desk, and vented out to the world, that he simply wanted to be loved. I may not have the right words to describe what I feel, for this is not my native tongue, but going back to it, I don't need words. I just need to be loved. Perhaps this is a test. To be here by myself, to reflect, to strategize, to ponder, to learn, to teach, to grow, to ask what I really want, what my next step is going to be, and what new challenge am I going to entrust myself with. I have to accept that I have lost that roadmap that was given to me by my parents when I was born. I need to find that roadmap. I need to find myself again. I thought I knew many things, but that's because I never needed to take a peek at it. Now that I desperately need it, I remember what my dad used to say: "you will grow to understand things that are not tangible to you now, but they will become a reality in a near future, and will help you pave the path that has been chosen for you. Never lose the map that your mom and I have devised for you. Never lose who you are, your calling".
I really need to find myself...
[Procrastination is a bitch.]
I need to be reminded that if I succumb to its power, it will pummel the crap out of me. I've been spending too much time playing video games, chatting with people on AIM, and watching reruns of my favorite TV shows, I've forgotten about other things that are important in life. I need to start spending time with people, outside of this apartment. I need to stop eating unhealthy, and I also need to be aware of the fact that I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TRIM MY HAIR.
Why is that relevant? Well, today I decided to trim my hair. I guess I was annoyed at the fact that everytime I go to a barbershop, I spend $20 bucks and I leave unsatisfied. On top of that, the weather has been shifting so badly, yesterday we were in the high 80's, and my freaking a/c was not doing its job. So I started to trim it slowly but surely. But my patience can only get so much, I wanted to get it done fast so I started to rush the process. By doing so, I accidentally cut off a big chunk of hair, which obligated me to cut it shorter than expected. Now, Im balder than ever, fat and on top of that I didnt accomplish my tasks for this weekend. And guess whose fault it is? You guessed right. PROCRASTINATION.
I hope April brings forth a new me. I don't have any regrets, but I would like to accomplish more.
